Dear Kimmy

My adorable puppy. You are so cute and cuddly. You really make my heart melt. But honestly, we will need to work on your manners, young lady.

1. Ladies don't sniff people's crotches.

Trust me on this, it's just not done. I understand that my private bits smell irresistible to your sensitive doggy nose, but no, you may NOT sniff me, not in private and HELL NO in public.

2. Ladies don't fart in bed.

If I managed to train my husband not to fart in the bedroom, it comes as a no-brainer that I will not tolerate it from you, my underling. You have the privilege of sleeping right beside our marital bed. Please keep your poisonous gases to yourself. You stink! ;)

3. Ladies don't bite.

I don't know what got into you lately, but chewing and nipping on my feet is not appreciated. The numerous socks that now have holes in them do not please me. You may not be aware of the fact that I do not mend socks. I have aversion to anything involving needles and threads. It would be also nice if you stopped grabbing my son's trousers with your teeth and PULL. You see, your puppy teeth are very sharp. When you pull with your weight on fabric, it will more often than not rip. Ventilation holes in my son's trousers are truly NOT necessary. So, please, I beg you - refrain.